The Lovely from the Black Lagoon
by awondrousthing
Summary: Celestia Brightstar is the most gorgeous girl any of the students at Hogwarts have ever seen. Her every movement and breath simply oozes loveliness. So of course, she must die. Ongoing parody. This chick is bluddy evil!
1. Chapter 1

Gossip was a normal thing upon the Hogwarts Express but this year, there was even more whispering to be heard than normal. There was a new girl on the Train that year—a girl whose beauty, charisma and general charm was unmatched by any the students had ever seen. Boys and girls alike stopped in their tracks to take note of her heavenly progress through the halls. It was a grand procession through the corridors—Pumpkin Pasties in elegantly manicured hand, she seemed to glide across the cheap carpeting.

First years could be seen with their noses pressed against the glass of their compartments—drooling and fawning over her unquestionable excellence. No one could have denied that excellence, and if they had it certainly would not have been out of line to bludgeon them fiercely until they came to acknowledge it.

Her eyes—such eyes! Were the color of heaven itself, a color so beautiful—so unquestionably radiant that no word exists in our language or any other to describe it. We can only compare it to the color of a bright light illuminating darkness—or a morning mist upon sunshine and roses. Her long, feathery lashes, were enhanced with only the highest quality Maybelline mascara.

Her hair was platinum blonde—bordering on a pure, silvery color akin to moonbeams. It was such a pale and beautiful color that it all but took on a blue cast—especially in the dim and mostly faulty lighting of the train corridors. It cascaded down her slender back in a wave of beauty, excellence and divine wonder. It smelled faintly of Happiness and Bliss—a scent which Chanel has yet to even attempt bottling. Yet, JC Penny has succeeded in capturing.

She wore clothes of the highest make, and taste. A hot pink crop-top and designer jean mini-skirt. The shirt was tastefully emblazoned with the slogan 'You don't need brains when you got these' (no doubt referring to a few assets of hers that we will get to later). The skirt left little to the imagination—showing off legs that appeared to go on for miles. Her classy, sparkly stiletto heels would have made Carrie Bradshaw wince.

Her figure was enviable even by hunched old SnackWitch. She had curves in all the right places—including the previously mentioned ones, barely covered by the halter top. Between her sense of style, her innate and unbelievable gorgeousity, and the delightful and all around mind-boggling aura or loveliness and grace that seemed to surround her—not to mention follow her wherever she went, much like some kind of stalker. Between all of this, it was enough to make the numerous adolescent boys (and girls) onboard swoon and fall over in fits of amour.

Coming a halt in the middle of the corridor she surveyed her surroundings for a moment before opening her full and luscious lips (adorned by raspberry flavoured, shimmery pink lipgloss) to utter the sweetest words any of them had ever heard.

"Oh my gawd, y'all. This is so lame."

Her name was Celestia Brightstar.

Celestia Jennifer Brittney Jessica Ravyn Baby Blue Moonflower Brightstar.

The third.

And she had arrived.


	2. Chapter 2

"What the bugger is wrong with this thing!"

Harry Potter was baffled. This had happened on more than one occasion—especially lately, but he was EXTREMELY baffled at the moment. His, admittedly, crazy Dark Detector was being even crazier than normal. The thing looked as though any moment it was going to simply combust. It was, in fact, teetering on that delicate line between Simply Crazy and All-out Batshit Crazy.

"Can't you do anything to turn it off?" Ron whimpered from the corner of the compartment—pressing his hands over his ears and mentally willing the thing to shut. The. Bloody. Hell. Up.

"Honestly, Harry, you really do have to turn it off. I'm trying to get in all the backstory, if you don't mind! Er, I mean, fill you in on what Professor McGonagall said." Hermione chided from her seat, giving Harry a glare.

"I am TRYING," he hissed through clenched teeth. "The little bugger won't shut it!"

Hermione managed a very scandalized look here—although, honestly, after six-something years in the company of the two boys, this did not seem to be terribly shocking language.

"Yeah, Hermione, what did McGonagall want anyway?" Ron offered from his seat, looking curious—and still rather headachy. "And I say you ought to just chuck it out the window, mate."

Hermione glared at him, but jumped at the opportunity to talk (and talk) uninterrupted. 

"She says there's something evil coming to Hogwarts." She said, in a grave voice, speaking only just above a whisper despite the racket the Dark Detector was still making.

"Worse than Voldemort? (Shite, what on earth could be making it go mad like this?)" Harry looked at her quizzically.

She nodded, clearly very pleased to be able to give such important news. "Worse than Voldemort. She says she needs our help."

"What on earth could be so evil that it's worse than—AAAAAAH! MARY-SUE!" Ron broke off in a horrified yell. Hermione and Harry looked at him rather bemusedly. "I mean—GIRL!" He pointed wildly at the entrance of the compartment where there was, indeed, a girl.

Harry and Hermione suddenly felt the rather unexplainable urge to scream as loudly as possible. "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

'That is the worst recording of 'Oops I Did it Again'. If you don't turn it off I'll be forced to write a VERY angry letter to Britney to get her to take you off her fanlisting."

Celestia glared at the trio who were—at the moment—somewhat blinded by the light bouncing off of her radiant silver hair.

"Err," Harry said, rather lamely, looking down at the Dark Detector which promptly exploded into a thousand suspicious pieces. Hermione and Ron ducked to avoid the flying bolts and pieces.

"You guys are making the others look incredible." Celestia sighed, looking both Harry and Ron up and down very thoroughly nonetheless. With that she turned and sauntered ever so gracefully back out into the hall.

Breathing hard, Hermione turned to her two friends. "I think we found our monster."


End file.
